passive observing

i am sitting in the school library right now.
i am supposed to be studying for next weeks exam but i just dont care too much about it right now...



i have been feeling more depressed than usual

could it be my lack of a boyfriend?

my lack of real friends?
my best friends are my computer and the girl across the street, her name is mandy... it's short for amanda... i hate her cuz she has everything she wants and that includes freedom... while i have to make sure i am home on time to cook dinner, clean the house and whatever else my father demands 

for as long as i could remember it has been me and poppa... I AM SICK OF IT

he treats me like a goddamn housewife... i just want my own life

is it my fathers fault that i am the way i am

i smoke weed and drink like a fish
i have unprotected sex with various men of different ages

sometimes

i cut myself, to make sure im real, life is that harsh for me

i am still waiting for the day when my dad gets in to his alcoholic swings and stumbles his way into my room to fuck me like im his wife
FML

i have been secretly stashing away the tips i get waiting at this old run down restaurant i unfortunately work at

i would love to tell you more personal things like where i am from, where i go to school and where i work
but i dont wanna have any weirdo come up to me telling me he knows me from my diary
that's just a bit creepy

so
to cheer myself up i have been looking for a new cellphone
i really want the iphone but it doesnt come in pink... pink is my favorite color, next to red and black
the iphone is too expensive for me right now, the android looks cool but i dont really have a desire for it

is it sad that my most favorite colors are black and red, the colors of negativity and evil?

i need to get laid
there are so many cute boys around me right now in the library and they all have girlfriends

hell i would even take one of their girlfriends



fuck this...

im just gonna go get a book to read and go home
knowing my predictable self i will grab something steamy and place myself in to the adventures that go on in the novel. pathetic. huh?